Time for My Blog to get Personal….Embasment it not an option
You said something thats been on my mind everday since. You said “are we ever going to be friends like we used to be?” or something to that effect. I was shocked. I thought I was the one that should have asked YOU that. I can say WITHOUT A DOUBT the best times of my life were with you in your 81′ Celica drinking beer, listening to music and most of all talking. A combination of losing that and losing the chance to have a family with Roanna were the down fall to the next 10 years of my life. Thank GOD both of you now have wonderful children and have managed to make the best of messed up situations. Even though I didn’t get the dreams I once had as a teen I am still happy with where I am in life. I hate the fact that I anoy you so much. It seems that everytime we talk I anoy you to the point of going off on me or just plain hanging up, till you try to converse with me again to the same end all over again. I can honestly say if I had to fight and die for anyone outside of my imediate family, you would be the first person I would stand in front of to take a blow. I may not show it or say it, but you have been my brother. I hold everyone in Byrnesville close to my heart regardless of how THEY feel. I mean I don’t understand how they can see you as someones thats just as messed up as me, yet think of you as normal and me as someone to be feared. Im thankfull that you at least know me enough to understand. I came back from Key West more broken than I thought I was. I didn’t reolize how broken til I saw it on all of their faces. Everyone looked at me with pity, fear, and hopefully consern. I came home to Byrnesville to show my love for everyone I knew there to only become an eyesore. I only wanted to be know as a person that has been there with you all and will be there for any of you in times of need. That did not shine threw. Maybe it has to you alone. I hope it has. I’m not going anywhere. If you ever need someone to stand by your side I am there, as I allways have been in one way or another. This is long and sappy , and I know your ADD is getting the best of you. You can forget about getting props on the getting me back into computers. You were there to give me hope when I had none. I’m talking about the 15 year old without a hope in the world. You gave me more insperation than you can ever imagine. I had lost many friends before moving to Byrnesville. I wasn’t looking for anymore after losing all the friends I had aquired before hand. People told me that you were an asshole, a bad influance, I say you changed my life. Your father and me sat down next to each other once in silence while you and your mom went at it yelling at each other. He told me, “I don’t know if I should be embarased or angry at them.” I started to get teary eyed and said, “probable both , but in the end its all for the best, because your family inspires me to carry on.” There is good, there is bad, then there is what maters. What matters is love. What matters is good people coming together in good times and bad. Your father and me always had a unspoken undersatning that I respected him and looked to him as an example. He in turn was there to give me wisdom. I can bet that he doesn’t agree with what I do to make a living, but respect and understands that I am using that career to beter myself with world travel. He said it in so many words the last time I talked to him. He grabed me knee and said in america if someone grabs your knee you react as if someone invaded your space. In other countrys this is not the case. Its normal and human. As he grabed my knee I did not flinch I looked him in his eyes and waited for his wisdom. He was almost child like in the way that he couldn’t wait for me to understand and learn from Thailand. As I have and intended to do by my stay here. I’m not here to persude any asian in to thinking “western”. I might be here to exploit , but I’m only exploiting a them to beter myself. I am open in my thinking and only want to expand on it. Your mom said something profound to me. She told me that Jim and her worried about me during my teens. That almost brought me to tears. To think that people I truly respected cared about me, meant the world to me. We are both a mess at times an thats only human. (and we need to be loved hehe ok enough with the sappy smiths lyrics) We are both people that like to be alone but in our isolation we feel empty. Somehow finding confort in the lonelyness. Or plesure in knowing that we got what we sowed.
Bother I love you,
Tim
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